Anon4him

Perhaps my proverbial fork is not quite so clear as the one my niece, Bethany, is gladly showing, but I believe it is there none the less. At this point in my life, I can see it proceeding into the fall in two ways: 1) Me receiving the financial aid necessary for me to go to Cedarville, where I will play softball for another year, and sadly miss another Harvest Party or 2) Me failing to receive the funds necessary for me to go to CU in the fall, and instead, babysitting my niece, Emily, and saving my money so I can hopefully either go to Cedarville for the Spring semester or even begin anew next year (but luckily be able to go to the Harvest Party). Personally, both of these have their ups and downs, and I feel like listing them.

CU positives:

1. Play softball
2. Be surrounded by godly young men and women
3. Get my Education degree
4. Have the opportunity to become part of a larger community and serve others outside of my current community
5. Make new friends
6. Become better friends with others
7. Possibly meet my husband

CU negatives:

1. Incur a lot of debt
2. Miss the Harvest Party
3. Rarely see my friends from Michigan
4. Rarely see my family
5. Have the stress that naturally comes with going to school

Not going to CU positives:

1. Earn and Save money
2. Spend more time with certain family members
3. Help out a sister in need of child care
4. Have lots of free time
5. Not incur large amounts of debt
6. Be flexible
7. Leaves the possibility of going to New Tribes open

Not going to CU negatives:

1. Less likely that I’ll be able to play college softball again
2. Miss out on some great experiences
3. Feeling awkward because I told a bunch of people I am going to Cedarville
4. Not hanging out with some new friends I’ve made via facebook who will be going to CU
5. It may be more difficult to get scholarships the longer I wait
6. I will let Coach Rowe and the team down, because they were counting on me playing
7. I won’t get to meet all of those godly young men and women

So, as you can see… there is a lot to be said for both. I think of all those, the main reason I would want to go would be to not let down my coach and teammates, and the reason I would want to not go would be to stay out of debt. I went to this seminar hosted by Send International maybe 2 years ago, and they said that if you want to be a missionary, one of the best things you can do is not have debt. If I go to CU, I will have debt. The only way I won’t have debt is if God provides finances other than loans for me (which is very possible as nothing is impossible with God). If God’s will is for me to be a missionary, it stands to reason that he would not have me study Early Childhood Education at Cedarville. However, I don’t know that God is calling me to be a missionary. Wow, I just got so off topic. The point is, without debt, if God called me, it would be easier to go.

Anyways, I will be trying to gain the financial aid necessary to go to Cedarville, and if I do not receive it, then I think it’s a pretty clear sign that CU is not where God has put me for this fall. If I do receive it, it’s all God I love my God and how great he is!

Your prayers are much appreciated!

The most incredible woman I’ve ever known is turning 56 years old today. She’s raised 10 children, practically by herself. She’s stayed committed to her husband who has been abusive, an adulterer and a sluggard. She’s not let one day go by without letting me know that she loves me.

Happy Birthday, mom!

I love you!

This is my Mommy with her granddaughter Emily… my mom has earned every single one of those silver hairs on her head!

“Ocean Wide”

Look outside
It’s already light and the stars ran away with the night
Things we’re said, words that we’ll try forget,
it’s so hard to admit I know we’ve made mistakes
I see through all the tears but that’s what got us here

[Chorus:]
If love is an ocean wide
We’ll swim in the tears we cry
They’ll see us through to the other side
We’re gonna make it
When love is a raging sea
You can hold on to me
We’ll find a way tonight
Love is an ocean wide

I’ll stay right here
It’s where I’ll always belong
Tied with your arms
Days like this, I wish the sun wouldn’t set
I don’t want to forget
What made us feel this way
You see through all my fears
And that’s what got us here

[Chorus]

Love is an ocean wide enough to forget
Even when we think we can’t

—————–

I don’t know why, but that song has been going through my head a lot recently. I don’t even know when the last time I heard it was, but man… it makes me wanna cry. Maybe it has to do with the boy that was in my dream last night that wasn’t supposed to be there. But you know what… maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson. I woke up at a time that would have been good to get up before church, but I was really tired and stayed in bed. The dream with the individual happened after that - I’m pretty sure. Thus, if I had gotten up when I awakened the first time I would not have dreamed about such. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter. God has control of my life, and I love him. The song is really intense too. I like it.

It’s selfish! It’s sinful! It’s obsessive! It’s wrong! It’s ME!

I can’t stand me! The reason I can’t stand me mostly has to do with my obsessive tendencies. Seriously… I’m borderline stalkerish when it comes to people (particularly those that I like), and I’m borderline OCD when it comes to Solitaire. I purposely put myself in situations where I might get to see or hear about so and so, and even when I’m not in those situations I’m thinking about them. It’s really quite frustrating. I don’t want to be a stalker. I should just stop talking to boys. I should just stop looking at boys. I should just stop living in a world that has boys. That doesn’t work so well though… it would pretty much require me to die. *sigh* when it comes to solitaire, I play for hours and hours just so I can end the game with a positive score (because I play on cumulative score, and I lose a lot.)

I just want to be free of this! What’s the female form of a eunuch? Maybe I should be one of those.

————–
pre-edit

cause I know this is just me being emotional, and probably tired, I don’t think you should worry about me. God has blessed me with this understanding that I am free from all this sin. Christ died so I can be free from this disease of self. I just need to accept it, and live accordingly, which is hard to do when my focus is on me and not God. I think I like it a lot better when I’m writing incredible posts and poems when my spiritual walk is going really well, but I guess I’ll let you see me weak too. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Oh yeah… pretty much every post I write is a prayer request Thanks

I had a great night.
I played softball.
I played volleyball (very poorly).
I went swimming.
I jumped off a high board and planted my face in my friends’ pond. I actually saw a flash of white when my face hit the water.
I sat out by a fire.
I chatted about random things with the college group.
I took a tour of my friends’ barn, during which I got my shoes and hands covered with manure.
I climbed a silo (sp?).
I chatted about some more random things.
I discussed ones magnitude of love for Jesus with a few wonderful friends.
I was and still am boggled that there are so many wonderful young Christian men in college group who are single… I mean, you can’t find nicer men than these and they don’t even have girlfriends.
I am about to take a shower to hopefully wash the “cow smell” out of my hair. It’s pretty intense.

Oh God, take this love from me
Because I don’t have the strength to lift it
Oh God, teach your word to me
Because I’ve failed so much already
Oh God, draw my heart after you
Because these scars won’t be erased
Oh God, break down my walls
And take your place

please pray for me

Let’s start out with the blessing first. Actually let’s start out with the pre-blessing blessings. Recently I’ve had the pleasure of hanging out with my good friends Emily and Whitney quite frequently. They are a couple of godly young women who are really seeking God’s will for their lives. Whitney will be going to New Tribes Bible School in the fall, and Emily is still finding where the Lord will place her. During our hanging out we have gone to church, Summer Challenges, played soccer, ultimate frisbee, volleyball, talked about our lives, talked about boys, ate taco bell, watched A Walk to Remember and Pride and Prejudice and I’ve spent the night at Emily’s house twice, during which I also got to chat with her mom who is pretty rockin’ awesome. These friends have been a great blessing to me, and after staying overnight last night, they blessed me again. The plan this morning was to have Emily take me home, while she and Whitney volunteered at Grove Sports Week… sort of a VBS. Well, Em’s mother had the idea of me just tagging along with them and helping out wherever I could at sports week, so I did. It was great! I’m actually going to be going into Early Childhood Education, and while I wasn’t teaching these kids, it provided me an opportunity to interact with part of the age group that I might be teaching. Early Childhood Education covers ages pre-school to 3rd grade. Today, I was working with 3-4 year olds. I loved it. It was great getting to know some of their different personalities and see them become more comfortable with one another and with me. When you have a large group of children this age, however, you find you run out of hands. Every other child wants to hold your hand or wants you to play with them and it’s hard to appease everyone, but you do the best you can and enjoy the time you have with each child. It was great! I was really blessed! I have pictures on my facebook if you would like to see them. If you want to add me, let me know, and I’ll shoot you an e-mail.

Now for the bummedness. My family has been planning a weekend together. My brother (who’s been in Iraq since last year, i think) has been home for about a month and he was going to take leave to come up to Michigan and visit. He informed my mom earlier today, that his leave was taken away. That means I will not get to see my oldest brother who I’ve not seen since last summer or my niece and nephew who are his offspring. *sigh* at least my family from Wisconsin will still be coming. I still feel blessed even though not everyone will be here this weekend.

As I was looking through my memory boxes and artwork attempting to find a sketch I had drawn of the wedding dress I was “going to make” I found other things. One was a sketch I had drawn of Zach my Senior year, and it made me remember just how cute he is. The other was a letter I had written to Zach while he was at college over a year ago. The letter expressed how much I wanted to marry him, just to be sure the thoughts I would think about him would not be unholy. That wasn’t the only reason I wanted to marry him of course, but I was very physically attracted to him. My reaction to these items was ” I love him so much.” And I did love him. But what The Weakerthans have caused me to realize is the love I have for him is not the love I used to have for him. Instead of thinking “I love him so much” I should have thought “I love the way I used to love him.” I’m in love with the passion I had for him. I’m in love with the way I would have done anything for him. I’m in love with love and lousy (and good) poetry! Now perhaps, my ribs don’t show through t-shirts, but I don’t think they need to for me to relate to this song.

Aside - The Weakerthans

Measure me in metered lines
And one decisive stare
The time it takes to get from here to there
My ribs that show through t-shirts
And these shoes I got for free
I’m unconsoled
I’m lonely
I am so much better than I used to be
Terrified of telephones
And shopping malls and knives
Drowning in the pools of other lives
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I’m leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I’m losing all those stupid games
That I swore I’d never play
But it almost feels okay
Circumnavigate this body
Of wonder and uncertainty
Armed with every precious failure
And amature cartography
I’m breathing deep before
I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor
And I’m leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I’m losing all those stupid games
That I swore I’d never play
But it feels okay
And I’m leaving with goodbye
And I’m losing but I’ll try
With the last ways left
To remember sing
My imperfect offering

The good news is, the butterflies that were so prevalent have decided to disperse. The not so bad news is that my best male friend is no longer on my “safe list.” I’m ok with it, I think. Because in reality, he wasn’t just my best male friend, he was also my therapist of sorts. I’m thinking now that I probably should be getting advice from someone older than me, and perhaps with more estrogen. I don’t know if I will or not yet, as I quite enjoy my friend. If I get a crush on him again, I’ll probably have to ditch the therapist sessions, but otherwise I think he’ll still be helpful to me. He’s pretty awesome like that.

No way! My friend got to psuedo-open for Sanctus Real, David Crowder Band, Shane and Shane and Stellar Kart!!!